Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize