She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
