saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
