Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
