I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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