he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
