Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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