just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
