Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
