Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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