There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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