Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
