I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
