dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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