Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
