I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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