How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
