does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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