Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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