So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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