You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
