Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
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I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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