Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
