Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
