Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize