If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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