Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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