i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
