I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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