I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize