Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
