Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
