I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
