My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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