just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
