my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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