When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
