Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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