he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
