I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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