I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize