Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
