This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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