The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize