I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
