She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
