yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
