with your own penis?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
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