Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
