she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
