Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
