Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
