I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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