you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
