Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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