You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize