i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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