I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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