I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
