I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
